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just x call x me x heartbroken

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ok kiddos.. [06 Jan 2004|10:35pm]
add xheyxlovex
and comment. and ill add ya. <33
13 razorblade kisses| sinful?

alright.. [05 Jan 2004|02:46am]
i dont care if you read
or whatever.

if you read this please comment.
otherwise im deleteing EVERYONE!
and ill probably get a new journal
and wish you all luck finding it.

i want to start updating and posting more pictures
but i want to know who reads first...

8 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[26 Dec 2003|02:03am]
Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over

</3 </3 </3 </3 </3 I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating mind Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 i want to make it through but i dont know if its possible.
1 razorblade kiss| sinful?

[24 Dec 2003|01:08pm]
i make him want to pull his hair out
and im the most frustrating person i know

i slowly start to believe myself
that im frustrating
and im slightly stupid too..
or as nick quoted jessica
"shes not stupid-she just doesnt think about what she says"

i hate christmas. the end.
im mad right now.
forget to remind people you love them..
though they knows its true..
im a girl-who isnt used to love..
isnt used to being beautiful..
a girl with low self-esteem and believe or not the littlest things hurt my feelings..
and goddamit my hair is too short...
my lips are chapped..i want a new mattress
and the shoes at charlottle russe
i want my sleeve NOW! done and finished!
i want to go to prom and graduate
i want to have sex...
fuck you i might be a virgin but i fucking get horney..
and its fucking horrible...
because i know what its like..to be almost there..
fuck yes i turned down people..
maybe because i had respect..but mostly cause i was scared
and right now i dont know WHAT im talking about im just going on and on
and you know what else..I WANT FUCKING LITHIUM BATTERIES!!!

im taking pictures today and im going to wear my little boy teletubbie underwear!!!!!! so fuck you.
i was listening to britney fucking spears just a bit ago

im just angry right now..
cause i dont like cookies.
i want to talk to him..not have him go away and make cookies..

*sigh* and i hate the feeling that he might not come..
i know he will..but thats my greatest fear right now..

so fuck off.
merry xmas
and happy fucking holidays.

did i mention ive only got like 5 hours of sleep

i crack my shit up

[19 Dec 2003|08:07pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

Too Beautiful For Words
x christina aguilera x

When I try to describe how I feel when you hold me
I get butterflies I hear lullabies, it's hard to explain
Like the scent of a rose or the sound of the rain
It's too precious and too wonderful to give it a name

Too beautiful for words
A symphony inside me
Too beautiful for words
I can not take them lightly
Can you hear my silent heart

It's on the tip of my tongue
But my lips are still sealed
Only violins and their innocence can show you how I feel
And I hear them again
At the end of the day
I'm all teary-eyed when we kiss good-bye
There's nothing I can say

Too beautiful for words
A symphony inside of me
Too beautiful for words
I can not take them lightly
Can you hear my silent heart

Must be a million times
I've tried to express this love of mine
When it goes this deep, when it tastes this sweet
It's not easy to define

Too beautiful for words
A symphony inside me
Too beautiful for words
I can not take them lightly
Can you hear my silent heart

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

if you cant tell everything is ok again.
we're always ok.

and if everything goes as planned.
i shall be posting pictures of us in 10 days.
my happiness is indescribable.
3 razorblade kisses| sinful?

this is how it appears... [15 Dec 2003|10:10pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i watch people.
i learn about them..until i know them..
maybe this comes from working at a place where all i do is watch people and talk to them..
i learn their habits-and i like them or hate them for it..
i know when they come in..
somewhat of what they'll buy..
and what they'll use to pay with..
i know if they're nice..or if they arent..

i sit and watch my friends..
watch their eyes..and see the love and happiness in their eyes..
i know when their sad..
and some of them i need to rescue..
take my friend andrea: she lives in missouri..
she is one of the most genuinely nice people i know..she is so beautiful, and so full of love and she has so much life to her..
but her life is being pulled from her because of where she lives and her daily routine..and her boyfriend..whom she loves..
but she is so much better than him..she could do so much with her life..
yet even through the happiness she does have..she still lives in such a deep sadness..
i can her it in her voice when i talk to her..
sadness, exhaustion..sometimes i can tell shes just fed up..
i love this little girl to death and i have no fear in calling her one of my closest, best, most cherished friends..
ive offered for her to come here..to get away so many times..
but where she is now..she cant..and it kills me..

it kills me.

so many people living this medicore life..that they could do so much more with..but slowly convince themselves that its what they are and they are never going to be rescued from..
but i see them..i can see the desire in their eyes..

it tears me apart.
im a 17 year old girl-i am beautiful as vain as it may sound..i know i am..im wanted..i know many many many people..i talk to everyone..i know how to brighten days..i know how to bring tears..im trusted by many and hated by few..i have a nice family, a nice house, im pretty spoiled..i always have what i want and what i need..i have no room to complain..i have everything...

but then things go wrong..with everything i know..i cant cope with change..im a party-kid..once one always one..i have seen people sucked into this life..of fearing being sober..being sober is a different reality..intoxication becomes your reality..a place and a world that becomes you..and you love your world-because nothing is wrong..it all goes away with that first drink, or that first hit, or those pills, or that powder..

im seeing this..and watching people fade..because i have..i know what its like to loose your life to substance..

but what means the most to me..
me-then andrea-then theo..
yes theo. my boyfriend. the one who was straightedge..
then one i realized where i was..and began to get my shit together for because i was losing..i was losing the battle of reality..that feels, that knows..that cares..that loves..

ill tell you this kids..partying..and drugs and alcohol..and everything in that life..ruins. it ruins love, it ruins trust, it ruins who you were before..

someone with a life so good..can know this..
and now..everything is crashing down..because for one night the love of my life..the one im going to marry..was sucked in...
"you got crazy with some people" is all he found out..
and im left tremling, sobbing, weakened stomach, and not understanding..
but thinking "i told you so"....
if i could go to him..i would..i would hold him and tell him i forgive him..and everything would be alright..
but hes 13 hours away and now i have to deal..

but please dont get me wrong..
i still love him. with everything..

now its time to know if i can do this on my own..
without alcohol that i so desperately want..
and the weed i need to calm my mind..
my crutches..i can i walk on my own..or shall i fall..

just thought you should know you signed off at 10:45:38..and i waited for you until 1 am...

this is me falling apart..
5 razorblade kisses| sinful?

but you, you, you had better things to do... [15 Dec 2003|03:48pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

dont believe in me, dont believe in me, cause i will let you down.
im wondering why my boyfriends away message says this right after we talk..
i havent talked ot him in 2 days..and now he wont even talk to me..and doesnt know if we'll talk after work..and we'll "probably" talk tomorrow...
i cant lie and say whatever..
ill tell the truth and say it hurts..
and that for some reason there are tears in my eyes...

</3>fucking amazing</b>
i thought..wow..i couldnt..it was amazing..amazing..amazing..
im also making flyers now for bands..
ill scan a preview later..

work time..
2 razorblade kisses| sinful?

i try but fail and try and try and try again... [11 Dec 2003|11:03am]
[ mood | mellow ]

so ive been extremely sad the past couple days..
and girl you might know why *coughfriendcough*
it sucks..this is the worst time for me my depression gets SO bad.
i forget to smile sometimes.
i forget what its like to smile..
i fight tears over everything for no reason at all..

and now pappy-someone who take care of theo-is really really sick.
hes in the hospital..so that puts my boy's stress level at a real low..
he's such a strong beautiful person..i forget that he's weak too..
he's so extremely weak sometimes i feel like the biggest peice of shit girlfriend because i cant do anything but offer words.
when i just want to hold him..and hold him forever and squeeze him till out heart beats collide, our lungs rise and fall at the same time, and we become one from just a simple touch..
god i love him so much..i think im going to cry..i need him so much..even though he needs me more right now..

i love him. god i love him. it's hell being away..but soon distance wont seperate us any longer..but i hope to God pappy will be ok..theo doesnt need that loss, no one up there does..so pray for my boyfriend and pappy and all their people..

<3 <3 <3 <3
ive decided i really do like working at uptown thrift store aka ghetto town yo!
yes it took me almost a year to decide i do like it..but i still want a part job at a restraunt..even if its only 1 or 2 nights a week...

the boys from the villins (( http://www.thevillins.com )) came in today and were all over me about coming to their show the 27th..they like tracked me down and made me swear that i would come..it was great fun. someone also called them 'fags' on their message board and so for this show they are all wearing dresses and such and i get to do their make-up! haha! bobby wants "wings" like i do. it cracks my shit up.

bart is going to be the new night supervisor at work. the first thing he said to me when i walked in was "whats up ash-hole" i was like OH GOD not another one..everyone calls me "ash, ash-hole, or ashtray" its great..i think everyone but theo has forgotten my name is ashley and jason but hes like my big brother and is always getting onto me..

it seems like i had something else to say..but now i dont remember..im losing my mind alot lately..its great *sarcasm*
i think im getting sick again..stuffy/runny nose, sneezes that wont be sneezed and a scratchy throat..AAAAH! dammit dammit dammit..i need to quit
yea right here babyCollapse )

because i always end up sick sick sick..and it sucks sucks sucks...
ill update soon again..please keep my boy and pappy and everyone in your thoughts.

<3 ash the pirate
3 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[06 Dec 2003|12:52pm]
[ mood | worried ]

maybe i should learn to handle change better..
i just want him to stay sxe though..
*holding back the tears*
he thinks im strong enough to get better by myself.
but i cant do it alone..i cant...i cant..
its eating me away my desire..i lied to him..
i do need it..i want it sooooo bad..
my body craaaaves it..but i say no to make him happy..
and prove that i have strength..
i have no strength against my addiction...
but a loving wonderful beautiful supporting boyfriend
who is sxe..and stands with me while i struggle..

if he turns...i might just let go..
let the addiction kill me..
eat me..and destroy me..again..

*deep breaths* i need sleep..
i need something..
i need him here..right now..
im so cold..im so tired..
i have so many tears in my eyes is blurring my vision..

i think..i dont..i cant..
*prays* please please please dont let him drink tomorrow..
4 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[06 Dec 2003|05:56am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

someone please order this shirt for me..


its only 16$ and its SOOO sexy!! please please please..
christmas present...and its victoria's secret..you'll be my best friend..
size: Medium colour: candy apple
5 razorblade kisses| sinful?

here's everything you need to know.... [02 Dec 2003|10:17am]
coheed and cambria
straylight run
taking back sunday
something corporate
matchbook romance
gah-how could you do this to me!
scratching the surface only creates scarsCollapse )
9 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[01 Dec 2003|11:38pm]
[ mood | bored ]

so i got this insane idea..
i want you kids to fucking call me! or send my text messages!
i need new phone friends!

please hit me the fuck up.
i may be in school but ill call you as soon as im out. :)
x to o.lets go. <33
4 razorblade kisses| sinful?

sing me anything... [01 Dec 2003|06:54am]
so we're ok now.
we fight..but its never for too long.
i feel like all i post about or have is all about the fights we go through...
not the love we have.
which is possibly the most beautiful, amazing, just..undescribable love i can think of..
one day he was somewhere and i was stuck home so he signed on real quick just to say
"you mean the world to me"
and then he was gone. left me smiling and wanting more from him.
he's given me so much. he's my reason to wake up, to breathe, to be alive.
he is my everything and thats all there is to it.
did i mention-he's giving up his full-ride scholarship to move here just to be with me?
who on earth would do that??
he has it all..friends, good times, great college, he has everything anyone could think of in missouri..and he's giving it all up to be with me..
even after the bullshit we go through.
i love him so much.
so so much.
i couldnt even begin to try to explain what my heart and soul and body feels for this boy.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
worked all fucking yesterday and today.
work sucks and it makes me blerk.
but i did get some new socks, a slinky lobster, 2 skirts, 6 cds and some other things..
i still want to do restraunt work though.
went to a hot show yesterday-saw some knid i havent in awhile. met a new person named megan-she was super sweet. we were both under the impression that the other was about 20 or so..NOPE! both 17! :)
minutes too far was great, bristol park, roustabouts, and dating a minor-had a super fucking short set which was sad.
well im going to eat im fucking starving.

and someday soon-at that perfect moment-someone will be ruined and you will all know..
3 razorblade kisses| sinful?

this is all going down where it hurts... [29 Nov 2003|05:40am]
[ mood | sad ]

dont you just love arguments..
especially when you know you caused it..
dont you just love tears..
knowing they wont help anything..
dont you just love that ache in the pit of your stomach...
knowing its because you cant really do too much right anymore..
and dont you miss the love..
when you just cant be around to feel it...

<\3 <\3 <\3 <\3 <\3

im sorry i cant be around. or now when i am..you arent..
this is how it started last time..im not going to let you get away..
im not going anywhere..because thats bullshit.
i love you. im sorry im going out tonight but this has been planned for almost 2 weeks now.
dont be mad. please dont be mad.

just be mad because i cried....
7 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[28 Nov 2003|09:58am]
[ mood | worried ]

i sit here and watch 2 of my best friends break-up.
they have a long distance relationship.
as do i and my boyfriend.
and it scares me. to think...
what if he breaks up with me..for no apparent reason at all..
im not the most stable person after i loose someone i love..
and if this ever happens to me...id be afraid i would dive right to drastic measures..

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

thanksgiving was good.
i went with my friend heather, her fiance, and 2 of her friends.
her family seemed nice. the food was delish.
it was a nice thanksgiving.
but theres this ache in me..
from being away from him still.
but ill deal it'll be ok.
the end of december and he will be here.
we'll have new years together and kiss as the ball drops..
and welcome in a new year together..
our first year together
and our first of many years together...

2 razorblade kisses| sinful?

hey kiddos. [25 Nov 2003|09:53am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

ok i want readers back now.
because i <3 livejournal because im on this new community.
Mad Rad Hair.
oh yes. the community is so sexx. its great.
good hair-bad hair-original hair-unoriginal.
i get to be nice and be mean. its such fun.

nothing has been going on lately.
just school, work, and i got the flu.
im ok now. just have one hell of a cough.

i got an awesome greaser jacket
im sittin here in vo-tech listening to rockabilly.
its great fun and all i wanna do is dance.

have a swell day lovelies! xoxo
11 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[25 Nov 2003|09:53am]
im new here.
ive had 15 different hair colours in the past year..can we say fried?
my friend rachel cuts my hair..
i do the colour. its fun.
and cheap.

did you see that girl?Collapse )
bring on the hate. :)
3 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[03 Sep 2003|09:58am]
[ mood | tired ]

i moved kids.
im not longer writing here.
im tired of people reading this trying to get shit on me.
how desperate.

if you care..call me or email me..
and ill show you where i have moved..

stay beautiful, stay strong..and ill still comment...
8 razorblade kisses| sinful?

[29 Aug 2003|12:11pm]
i feel like..shit..
i think im dying..
as usual...
1 razorblade kiss| sinful?

[21 Aug 2003|01:57am]
i want to paint emotions shades of grey
so nothing is bad
nothing is good
it all just is
and in it we all just exist

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